The "state of" Gaysian America

It’s difficult, I think, to talk about a “state of “ anything. How does one go about discussing complex issues in a few hundred words? What are the important points that need to be covered and who decides?

When asked to write this particular op-ed, I imagined a different trajectory, one based on racism in the gay community, homophobia in API communities, the prejudices inflicted on gay Asian Americans, and the perils of negotiating both an “ethnic” and “sexual” identity in a society that values neither of what we have to offer. I’ve made a living writing about racism found in the gay community, written countless pieces, been interviewed by magazines and newspapers, and given talks around the country, all to sympathetic audiences composed almost entirely of other Asian Americans, both gay and ally, or academics invested in issues of race and racism. Then it dawned on me. Writing such a piece, I would be, once again, preaching to the choir. I’m certain the audience for this paper, being who they are, will nod and agree with such a piece. Perhaps even sigh with understanding. Maybe shake their head and remember similar events that have marked their lives or similar thoughts that have crossed their minds. Some will ask what can be done, it will make some seethe in anger ready to rile the troops, and others will answer with “nothing.” But perhaps what is needed now is a different approach, perhaps now is the time to clean our own house before we begin demanding that others clean theirs.

Certainly, there is racism in the gay community and homophobia in API communities. By now, it is so well documented in both the academic and popular literature that to deny its existence would be an act of utter suspension of disbelief. Sadly, so much of it is directed towards Gaysian Americans. When it is, we mobilize, we stomp our feet, and we lick our wounds of the hurt feelings that racist attacks usually leave. The problem here is that, all too often, we go back to our lives. And all too often, our lives involve the subtle actions that reinforce the very things that upset us, that justify the treatment that we receive, and not only maintain hierarchies of race but contributes to them.

Self-reflection is a painful endeavor. It leads us to challenge our own beliefs, our attitudes, and perhaps most troubling, our actions. It leads us to question how it is that we are contributing to our own “problems” – not simply shift the blame onto someone else, when shifting the blame is so much easier than looking in the mirror and scrutinizing all our own demons.

I suppose there are many ways that we contribute to our own demise. But I want to speak specifically about our desires. Our desires are rarely about “preferences” but mark the way we build hierarchies of worth. When we mark some as being more desirable, we are marking them with more worth, more value, and more power.

When we put white men on a pedestal and deem them more desirable and more attractive than our API brothers, somehow more worthy of our affections and our time, we reinforce the erroneous and dangerous belief that our worth is less. It reinforces the attitude that we can be seen as less valuable because we see ourselves as less valuable.

By now, I’ve heard all the excuses. Some men have told me that dating other Asian guys would be like dating their biological brothers or they just simply want something “different.” But why is it that the desire to not date someone “like our brothers” or someone “different from us” rarely extends to black men or Latino men? Why is it that someone not like our brothers or different from us is always a white man? What are we saying about our own worth when we make subtle arguments that somehow white men have more value than our “brothers”? I have to wonder, when I hear my gay Asian brothers say things like, “I don’t find Asian guys attractive,” what they see when they look in the mirror? Who stares back at them?

It’s time for us to examine our own desires, challenge our own values, and turn the lens of self-reflection on ourselves. Rather than simply reacting to events, circumstances, and situations that infuriate us, we need to critically evaluate our own roles in creating those same events, circumstances, and situations.  Before we can demand that others see us as equals, we need to see ourselves as just that. When we make second-class citizens of our own brothers, we ensure that all of us will be treated as second class, and therefore – second best.

*this op-ed is forthcoming in The International Examiner.